people who use halloween as an excuse to act like idiots.

Can you tell I live in a college town?

The number of drinking related deaths tonight will spike massively. As will date rapes, car accidents, vandalism (duh) and arrests in general.

There are more girls than usual walking around looking like hookers downtown.

Sexy nurse outfits are SO over. As are sexy witch outfits, sexy vampire outfits, etc etc. Imagination is a good thing.

Ditto for costumes which involve fake asses hanging out of your pants.

I'm becoming so suburban. My husband and I dressed our child up like a chicken and took her trick or treating in the mall.

She liked to shake her bag of candy because it made crinkly noises. She thought the costume was pretty bunk, but was willing to suffer through it for food.

people who take things way too seriously

For instance, my employee.

I said "I need you to alphabetize your client files. I can't update their records if I can't find their files."

She replied "my job is to sell, not to do filing."

"Well, if you don't alphabetize your card files, there will be (and I sang a silly duh duh duh dum, bad things are about to happen song here) dire consequences."

I said that with much waggling of the eyebrows and silly noises.

Yeah. Not much there to make a person take me seriously.

The next day I come into work and I find my employee talking to my manager in very hushed tones. Then my employee wouldn't talk to me. Management called me into their offices and bitched me out for threatening an employee. I told them what had gone on. They confronted my employee about this. She said to management, and I quote: "It's really hard to tell when Misanthropster is joking."

Management came back to me and said: "No more joking around with your employees."

Then, we had a two hour meeting about alphabetizing the card file.

Followed by a two hour meeting about employee morale.

Followed by another two hour meeting about something else so stupid that apparently I've blocked it out of my memory.

Life is great. I love my job. And my employee.

people who think that just because they're old, they can be assholes

1. Driving rules do actually apply to you. No, really, they do.

2. Age doesn't mean that you can cut in line. Or alternatively, use your shopping cart at the grocery store to shove somebody out of your way because you want to go first. Even if that person happens to be holding a very small child and ONE FUCKING ITEM and your cart is full to the point of over-flowing. Asshat. Bitch, you better believe that I can take your ass out. Somebody was CRUISING for a total hip replacement today...

3. Age doesn't mean that you're any smarter than the rest of the planet. Or wiser. I'm sure I've posted about this one already, but, honey, your third grade education acquired in Bumpass (a real town), VA in 1920 doesn't make you any better than the rest of us. Nor does your 200 years of life experience. It just means that you're old.

4. An equation: The value of a person as they age has a one-to-one correspondence with the amount of effort and energy they put into the world around them. That applies to people from about age 18 to death. (I'll give people younger than 18 a free pass to be total non-productive dipshits. I mean, we have to do it sometimes, right?)

5. Age does not mean that everybody around you will automatically be polite no matter what. If you're an asshole to me, then guess what? I sure as hell am not going to be pleasant to you.



Yeah, I've come to the conclusion, that despite my hopes for people actually getting over themselves by the time they reach a decent age (say, 70), I still despise elderly people with the same ratio that I hate everybody else.

One in a few are cool. The rest can lick my balls.

people who won't shut up part 2

So I actually let out a huge scream at work today, while on the sales floor. It was after getting off the phone with a customer. I wish that I could call some of these people out by name and not get sued or fired or something.

Anyway, this customer calls. I'll call her DD...

Hold on a second. I think I need a beer before continuing on with this post so as I don't cause anybody any major physical damage...


ok, beer aquired, which I spilled all over the floor with the assistance of the baby.

DD calls. This is the ensuing conversation:

DD: I was in the store on Sunday, at which time I made two major purchases, and I was helped by Molly. I made two major purchases, and I was sitting in your chairs for quite a long time. Because you know, it takes some time to decide what to buy when you are making major purchases.

Me: Yes ma'am.

DD: And while I was sitting in your chairs, I was talking to Molly for a long time. And I know things got very busy and hectic for her yesterday, so she couldn't pay all that much attention to what happened after I left. By the way, is Molly working today?

Me: No, she's on vacation for the next week.

DD: Oh, well then maybe you can help me. So after making my two major purchases, I got up and I left my lists at the counter. They are on either green or pink index cards. Do you understand me?

Me: Green or pink index cards.

DD: Yes. So I had my lists on green or pink colored index cards and it is vitally imporant that I have those lists. I think I left them at your counter by the chairs where I was sitting.

Me: Ma'am, if you hold on a minute, I'll go look for them.

DD: LET ME FINISH. I said, the lists are on index cards of a green or a pink color and I left them at your counter where the chairs are.

Me: Well, I can go...

DD: I told you to let me finish. I left them at your counter where the chairs are. And I might have also left them where the other chairs are, or at the cash register near you, or at the other one on the other side of the store. Now, the index cards are of a green or a pink color, and I left them at your counter where the chairs are.

Me: Ma'am, I'll go look...

DD: No. I want you to repeat back to me the locations where I might have left my lists.

Me: At the...

DD: Do you remember what color they are?

Me: Green or pink.

DD: Very good. Now where did I leave them?

Me: At the counter where the chairs are, where the other chairs are, at the register near me, or at the register on the other side of the store.

DD: Yes. Now, do you remember what they look like?

Me: Green or pink.

DD: Now can you repeat to me where I might have left them?

Me: No, but I can go look for them right now if you want to hold.

DD: No, I want you to repeat to me where I might have left them. They are of a green or pink color, and they are very important to me. I left them at...

Me: Ma'am, I know what color they are, and where you might have left them. If you let me get off the phone I can actually go look for them.

DD: No, I want you to get a pen and a piece of paper and take down some very important information.

Me: (oh sweet jesus)

DD: The lists are very important to me and they are of a green or a pink color. I left them at your counter where the chairs are, or where the other chairs are, or at the register near you, or at the register across the store.

Me: I got it.

DD: You can't have, you can't write that fast.

Me: I wrote this down when you first told me about it.

DD: Oh. That's smart. That must be how you remember all of this.

Me: Yes, ma'am.

DD: Now I want you to write down my name and phone number. This is very important. And I want you to give me a call back.

Me: Ma'am, if you just hold on for one second, I can...

DD: I do not want to hold. I want you to write down my name and phone number and give me a call back when you find my lists.

Me: Yes, ma'am.

DD: My name is DD, and my phone number is 555-1212. Did you get that.

Me: Yes, DD and 555-1212.

DD: Very good. Now, can you go look at the chairs at your counter, at the other chairs, at the register near you, and at the one across the store for my lists? They are of a pink or green color, and they are very very important. It is important that you find these lists.

Me: I will call you back as soon as I look.

DD: I'll be expecting your call.

So I go and look for her goddamn lists all over the fucking store, and sure enough, I find no lists.

I call her back. She wants me to check the trash cans. Imagine the above conversation with trash cans inserted instead of place names. Yeah. I think the lists are pink or green or something?

I explained to her that we empty out our trash cans every night. She wants me to go look in the dumpster. I said no way, jose.

So I go to lunch. While I am on my lunch break, DD comes into the store. Since I wasn't at my counter, she walks behind it and starts going through the drawers. Totally randomly. Yeah, she's sane. Uh huh. Really sane. Management comes over and asks her to cease. Tells her to wait until I get back.

When I got back, she starts going all kinds of crazy about a product that I do not have in stock, and haven't had in stock for, oh, 10 years. That I've told her multiple times that it's been discontinued.

ARGH.

So she whips her pink and green index cards out of her pocketbook and I say "oh, you found your lists."

DD: Yes, I put them in the glove box of my car. I thought they'd be safe there.

Morbidly curious, I sneak a peek at the lists. Yup. Random scrawlings and chicken scratch about absolutely nothing.

Big surprise.

aargh.

people who won't shut up

So a couple of weeks ago, I was at Wal-Mart right before we were supposed to have an enormous rain storm, and there were lines going to the back of the store. Everybody in the general area was buying milk, bread and toilet paper because this was supposed to be a really bad... RAIN storm.

C'mon peoples. Rain? And you're buying Wal-Mart out of toilet paper, bread and milk? Whatevah.

Anyway, as I was standing there with my child and my cart full of milk, bread and toilet paper (just kidding. I was buying the kid baby tylenol because she was sick) and this girl walks up in line behind me and starts yattering on about absolutely nothing. So I successfully tuned her out.

Then I hear, from Miss Yatter, "Oh my goooooooooooooooooooduh, hey's got a snahykuh."

Yeah, she had the local accent. In fact, she is the fucking archetype of the local accent. So I'm standing there in line trying to figure out exactly what kind of animal a snahykuh was. I was about to ask, when I notice that a guy a couple of people ahead of me in line has a small snake wrapped around his hand.

Ok, so for those of you who might not get it, snahykuh = snake.

Right.

For the next five minutes I hear "He's got a snake? Do you see that? He's got a snake wrapped around his hand. A snake! That's so gross." She then taps me on my shoulder. "Ma'am, he's got a snake. Do you see that? A SNAKE, wrapped around his hand."

Yup, I see it. Couldn't miss it.

Then the guy up ahead turns around and he's got a huge python/boa constrictor/I don't know what kind of snake it was but it was really fucking huge wrapped around his torso underneath his jacket.

"HE'S GOT TWO SNAKES! OH MY GOD, HE'S Got TWO SNAKES!!!!" Taps me on my shoulder again. "Ma'am, you'd better keep your baby away from him, he's got two snakes!"

Her friend walks up to her and points out that her cell phone is ringing. The snake girl says that she doesn't want to answer it because she's too distracted by the snakes.

I've gotta say, I wish there were some sort of award for the number of times a person can fit a single word into conversation in a 20 minute span. She'd be the clear front runner.

Honestly, at this point, I cannot think the word "Snake" without saying it in her accent.

And yes, I did listen to her go on and on about the goddamn snakes for 20 minutes.

people who think they have something important to say

and don't, actually.

(Cara and Phil, please forgive me for this blasphemy regarding your nuptials.)

So I went to a wedding last night. The bride and groom... we'll call them "Cara" and "Phil" are both good friends of mine. In fact, I introduced them to each other. So yeah, I'm the responsible party.

Anyway, the pastor that was performing the bulk of the ceremony kept calling "Cara" Carrie. Her name is Cara for god's sake, get it right!

And he made some remarks, as I suppose pastors are supposed to do during weddings. His began with "Do y'all know what this is?" (he holds up a pen.) "It's a pen. I know y'all know what a pen is." (um, yeah, dumbshit, we do) "Now, when Carrie called me and told me that she and Phil were getting married I asked her 'Now, Carrie, should I write this on my calendar in pen or in pencil.' and she said pen. So this is the very pen that I wrote this date down on my calendar with." (he then spent 10 fucking minutes going on and on about how he writes his schedule. Thanks for the info, dude.) "Carrie and Phil, I hope that your love and marriage lasts as long as the ink I wrote this date down on my calendar with does."

Yeah. I really hope that was a waterproof archival pen.

Seriously though, he could find something a little bit... um... oh, I don't know, more intelligent to say about the couple? Anything? Was he just using that as filler? Did he become a pastor just to hear himself talk?

Although, honestly, that isn't the worst thing I've ever heard said by a pastor at a wedding. All in all it was a lovely wedding. I'm happy. And, after years of speculation by all that knew him, Phil is apparently not gay. This is a good thing for Cara.

:)

people who create signs with bad grammar

There is this furniture store near our house that has perennially bad signs. Most of them having to do with recliners.

Their front billboard sign reads, at this very moment:

$199
Extremely Huge
Recliner
Sale

Which is causing an enormous desire to go in and ask to see their extremely huge recliners. I mean, $199 is a pretty damn good deal for an extremely huge recliner. I might want to get one.

But I'm sure they don't have any extremely huge recliners. I want to sue them for false advertising.

They also had a sign that said "Outrageous Recliner Sale." Which, frankly, that's the only kind of recliner I would really want. Aside from an extremely huge one, that is.

Alas, no outrageous recliners either...