So I actually let out a huge scream at work today, while on the sales floor. It was after getting off the phone with a customer. I wish that I could call some of these people out by name and not get sued or fired or something.
Anyway, this customer calls. I'll call her DD...
Hold on a second. I think I need a beer before continuing on with this post so as I don't cause anybody any major physical damage...
ok, beer aquired, which I spilled all over the floor with the assistance of the baby.
DD calls. This is the ensuing conversation:
DD: I was in the store on Sunday, at which time I made two major purchases, and I was helped by Molly. I made two major purchases, and I was sitting in your chairs for quite a long time. Because you know, it takes some time to decide what to buy when you are making major purchases.
Me: Yes ma'am.
DD: And while I was sitting in your chairs, I was talking to Molly for a long time. And I know things got very busy and hectic for her yesterday, so she couldn't pay all that much attention to what happened after I left. By the way, is Molly working today?
Me: No, she's on vacation for the next week.
DD: Oh, well then maybe you can help me. So after making my two major purchases, I got up and I left my lists at the counter. They are on either green or pink index cards. Do you understand me?
Me: Green or pink index cards.
DD: Yes. So I had my lists on green or pink colored index cards and it is vitally imporant that I have those lists. I think I left them at your counter by the chairs where I was sitting.
Me: Ma'am, if you hold on a minute, I'll go look for them.
DD: LET ME FINISH. I said, the lists are on index cards of a green or a pink color and I left them at your counter where the chairs are.
Me: Well, I can go...
DD: I told you to let me finish. I left them at your counter where the chairs are. And I might have also left them where the other chairs are, or at the cash register near you, or at the other one on the other side of the store. Now, the index cards are of a green or a pink color, and I left them at your counter where the chairs are.
Me: Ma'am, I'll go look...
DD: No. I want you to repeat back to me the locations where I might have left my lists.
Me: At the...
DD: Do you remember what color they are?
Me: Green or pink.
DD: Very good. Now where did I leave them?
Me: At the counter where the chairs are, where the other chairs are, at the register near me, or at the register on the other side of the store.
DD: Yes. Now, do you remember what they look like?
Me: Green or pink.
DD: Now can you repeat to me where I might have left them?
Me: No, but I can go look for them right now if you want to hold.
DD: No, I want you to repeat to me where I might have left them. They are of a green or pink color, and they are very important to me. I left them at...
Me: Ma'am, I know what color they are, and where you might have left them. If you let me get off the phone I can actually go look for them.
DD: No, I want you to get a pen and a piece of paper and take down some very important information.
Me: (oh sweet jesus)
DD: The lists are very important to me and they are of a green or a pink color. I left them at your counter where the chairs are, or where the other chairs are, or at the register near you, or at the register across the store.
Me: I got it.
DD: You can't have, you can't write that fast.
Me: I wrote this down when you first told me about it.
DD: Oh. That's smart. That must be how you remember all of this.
Me: Yes, ma'am.
DD: Now I want you to write down my name and phone number. This is very important. And I want you to give me a call back.
Me: Ma'am, if you just hold on for one second, I can...
DD: I do not want to hold. I want you to write down my name and phone number and give me a call back when you find my lists.
Me: Yes, ma'am.
DD: My name is DD, and my phone number is 555-1212. Did you get that.
Me: Yes, DD and 555-1212.
DD: Very good. Now, can you go look at the chairs at your counter, at the other chairs, at the register near you, and at the one across the store for my lists? They are of a pink or green color, and they are very very important. It is important that you find these lists.
Me: I will call you back as soon as I look.
DD: I'll be expecting your call.
So I go and look for her goddamn lists all over the fucking store, and sure enough, I find no lists.
I call her back. She wants me to check the trash cans. Imagine the above conversation with trash cans inserted instead of place names. Yeah. I think the lists are pink or green or something?
I explained to her that we empty out our trash cans every night. She wants me to go look in the dumpster. I said no way, jose.
So I go to lunch. While I am on my lunch break, DD comes into the store. Since I wasn't at my counter, she walks behind it and starts going through the drawers. Totally randomly. Yeah, she's sane. Uh huh. Really sane. Management comes over and asks her to cease. Tells her to wait until I get back.
When I got back, she starts going all kinds of crazy about a product that I do not have in stock, and haven't had in stock for, oh, 10 years. That I've told her multiple times that it's been discontinued.
So she whips her pink and green index cards out of her pocketbook and I say "oh, you found your lists."
DD: Yes, I put them in the glove box of my car. I thought they'd be safe there.
Morbidly curious, I sneak a peek at the lists. Yup. Random scrawlings and chicken scratch about absolutely nothing.