Misanthropster: An Army of One

Those I revile today are...

04 September, 2008

People who drop furniture out their windows

Ok, so people in my neighborhood are constantly throwing shit out of their windows into our "yard" area by our apartment, and it's fricken nasty. Chicken bones, used tampons, pizza crusts, limes, syringes, in one case, dog (I hope it was dog) shit, etc.

I'm still disgusted by it, but I'm not surprised by it any longer, and I have come to expect it to happen.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. to the sound of crashing outside my bedroom window. I got out of bed to see what was going on, and some dipshit upstairs was throwing dresser drawers out of their window.

Shortly followed by the dresser itself.

I went to the bathroom, and came back in time to see the headboard and the footboard to their bed come flying down.

What the FUCK?

I know how big the windows in their apartment are, and they had to have removed the window from its frame in order to do this. So they got up at 4 a.m. to remove the window, which probably took a while, because these things are fucking SOLID. Then they commenced throwing their furniture out.

But really, FURNITURE?

at 6 a.m.?

Anyway, the following conversation ensued between myself and my landlord:

Me: So my upstairs neighbors were throwing their entire bedroom suite out their window at 6 a.m. today.

Landlord: Why were they doing that?

Me: I don't know. Why are you asking me?


26 August, 2008

people who ARE me

Jesus, lady. Get a fuckin grip already.

people who are not me

I have discovered after years of careful scientific research that my main problem with other people is simply the fact that they are other people.

My other superpower (aside from outstanding misanthropism) is stating the obvious.

28 June, 2008

people who insist on shouting on the subway

Thank you for including the rest of us in your conversation. I'm thrilled to know about your pursuit of pussy, your attainment of said pussy, your love of pussy, your total disrespect for pussy, your dreams about pussy, and your buddy's exploits regarding (you guessed it) pussy.

But mostly, I'm just glad you actually know a word that consists of more than two syllables.

people who bitch at me for bitching about NYC

This is a pre-emptive rant. I'm sure somebody will start bitching at me for this soon.

Yes, thank you, I did choose to move to New York City.

I love it here. I have such a diverse collection of things to bitch about now. As opposed to Christiansburg, VA, where I was bitching about rednecks. And hillbillys. And, um... that's about it.

27 June, 2008

people who mistake leggings for actual pants

They're not. Really.

And it doesn't matter how skinny you are. I can still see your ass through the back.

This goes for men, too.

Furthermore, if you insist on wearing leggings as actual pants, please do so to go out at night, not during the workday.

I really don't want to be looking at your "whoa there, cougar" camel toe, or your purple starfish during the day.

Nor do I want to see your stretchmarks THROUGH YOUR PANTS.

And don't give me that bullshit that "they're comfortable."


people who don't wear bras (this one's for the ladies)

I get that it's summer.

If you're a tourist, I get that you're on vacation.

If you're a native, I get that you think you can get away with it because you think your breasts are small.

I know that it gets rather warm in the city. I live here.

I don't even know where to begin.

1. If you're a tourist, your mind may be on vacation, but, honey, I hate to tell you this, but your boobs aren't.

2. If you're a native, really. There isn't a single female over the age of 15 who shouldn't be, AT THE VERY LEAST, wearing some sort of bra. And if you really can't stand wearing them, and you really really are flat chested, buy some GODDAMNED pasties (Ricky's has them, for $4.99/2) and cover up those headlights. I've been traumatized by so many nipples I shouldn't have seen...

people who claim New Yorkers are rude

This just gets my goat.

We've got HORDES of tourists pouring into the city, forcing the continued existence of that wasteful wonderland Times Square, taking up all the space on the sidewalks, and managing to be directly in the path of where I (and every other resident of the city too) need to go, taking an inordinate amount of time to make a goddamned decision, and when I politely say "excuse me" so that I can get by, I hear "God. New Yorkers are like, so RUDE."

No, honey, really, it's not New Yorkers who are rude. It's the rest of the world.

people who are pushy

(can you tell I'm harboring a bit of pent up rage today?)

I think I may have mentioned in an earlier (five minutes ago) post that I live in a city with more than eight million people.

You, sir, who shoved me out of the way to get to the subway turnstile first, and you, ma'am, who cut in line at the grocery store in front of my husband...

Do you think that MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYBE, you're not the only person in the whole entire city who has somewhere they need to be in a hurry?

Maybe? Just a little bit?

Nah, of course not.

You're MUCH more important than I am.

Please excuse my impertinence. I don't know what I was thinking.

people who have tunnel vision

Ok. I see you standing at the corner of Wall Street and Broadway reading your map, blocking all the pedestrians who are desperately trying to get to the subway fast so that we can eke out an extra five minutes with our loved ones after an hour-long train ride.

It's allright. I've gotten used to the tourists who have no concept of how much fucking space they occupy.

Anyway, I see you at the corner of Wall and Broadway, with your face buried in your map. And I hear you say "Trinity Church HAS to be around here somewhere. This map says it's at the corner of Broadway and Wall Street."



people who are really large who walk without looking where they are going

Ouch. That fucking hurt.

An "oh, excuse me"

or an "I'm sorry"


people who walk without looking where they're going

Christ Jesus, we live in a city with more than eight million inhabitants.


The sidewalks of Manhattan, in case you haven't noticed (because it's obvious you haven't), are not large enought to hold even a tenth of the number of people that live in the city.


People who whine about how long it's been since I last posted.

Nuff said, Fred. :)

03 January, 2007

people who love "March of the Penguins"

Yeah, penguins are cute and cuddly and blah blah blah, they waddle, the males hatch the eggs, blah blah.

Look people, March of the Penguins was a fucking penguin snuff film.

I don't really give a shit about the beauty of the cinematography, or Morgan Freeman's narration (which, by the way, in the lovingly filmed and TORTUROUSLY screened penguin death scenes, made me want to kill myself), (as my husband says "Get busy waddlin' or get busy dyin'."), or the sweetness of the penguins themselves, or the gay penguin sex, or whatever... if you want to see some cold, hard, penguin deaths, then this is the flick for you.

COME ON! Why the hell was this film so popular?

And because my little daughter has a mild obsession with penguins, I decided to watch it with her.

thank GOD she isn't old enough to understand that the penguin that looked like it was asleep on screen was actually freezing to death before our very eyes.

Or that those gorgeous shots of the lone penguin waddling off into the sunset were of a bird separated from its flock and was in fact waddling off to a certain death.

At however many godforsaken degrees below zero that fucking continent is.

yes, I am glad that she wasn't old enough to understand any of this when we watched it.

That would have made for a merry fucking christmas indeed...

I'd ask what kind of sick fucks liked this film, but then again, I can't really account for the immense popularity of hot animal sex shows on The Animal Planet, so I'm not even going to think about it.

I'm just going to drink myself into oblivion.

Happy fucking new year.

15 December, 2006

people who are anti-semitic

Seriously, isn't anti-Semitism, so, like, 1933?

At work today, I had a customer go off on an anti-semitic rant for about 15 minutes.

The lady in question must have at some point noticed the rather pissed expression on my face, as she ended her little diatribe with "But, for all that, Jews are very smart and very good at business."

WHAT? Seriously? Anti-Semitism from 60-year-old white women who aren't even Southern? Are you freakin kidding me?

I'm still in shock.

So, I'm married to a man that is half-Jewish. Ok, so according to the Jewish law of return, Heinrich Himmler, and my mother, he's fully Jewish as his mother was Jewish (converted to Catholicism, don'tchaknow), but whatever.

By my estimation, that would make my child a quarter Jewish. Or something.

Anyway, and I didn't realize this, apparently the Jews are at the root of all evil in this country, including causing the complete commercialization of Christmas, violence on television and in movies, the rise of black culture, blah blah blah blah.

Yeah, this came from a woman who was buying a couple hundred dollars worth of Christmas presents from me. And then wanted everything discounted or free, along with free gift-boxes and free gift-wrap.

Really though, what have the Jews done to people in this country? Anything? I can't talk about Israel and that government's particularly crappy policies in this post... I'm really just thinking about Jews in America...

and shit, aside from the occasional Christian infant that my husband snacks on, and his barely noticeable horns, he hasn't hurt anyone lately...

merry fucking christmas...

11 December, 2006

a christmas story to warm the cockles of your heart

Years ago, when I lived in Olympia, WA with my ex-boyfriend and his son (we'll call them Justin and Jonah, respectively) we decided to forego all the insane holiday traveling in lieu of staying home and being sane. Consequently, Justin's sister, Dawn, decided to fly up from California to spend the holidays with us, which was just fine by me.

I'd never really met Dawn before, though I'd heard all about her. She was a born-again Christian, so that colored my expectations of her a little bit. Upon meeting her, I found that she had a pretty sassy personality, and seemed born-again only in name, not in deeds. However, she still didn't swear or drink, or do anything else that I found particularly fun, so there you go.

Well, now Olympia never really got very cold, so when an ice storm hit the area, we were all a bit shocked. Ice kinda sucked. Specially when you lived in a place where 99% of the people had never driven under even remotely adverse conditions. Unless you count an awful lot of rain.

My friend had loaned me her car, a 1966 Corvair station wagon, in perfect condition, with fins and everything, while she was at home in California for Christmas. So during the bad weather, Justin and I were tooling around in my friend's car, because hers actually had heat and windows that rolled all the way up. And down.

Justin, Jonah, Dawn and I decided that a quick trip to the grocery store to buy things for Christmas dinner would be a good idea, and headed out to Cub Foods, a store about five minutes away from our home. The parking lot of Cub foods was gently sloped, and we parked out towards the back of the lot with our car pointed downhill so that if we slid, we'd slide into an embankment.

We hopped out of the car and carefully made our way across the lot, as it was covered in a couple of inches of ice. All of us were in a pretty silly mood, and bounced around for a bit in the vestibule of the store before going in. While we were messing around by the doors, an older lady comes stomping in and glares at us, then grabs a cart and pushes it into the store. We followed a couple of minutes later, and started to load up.

In every single aisle, we ended up meeting the grouchy older lady going in the opposite direction. We tried to make a joke out of it, and pretended that she was reverse stalking us. Our attempts to get her involved in our good mood failed, and she continued to stomp around the store.

We checked out, and started the perilous journey back across the parking lot to our car. About halfway there we started to hear shouting, and by the time we got to where we had parked, we found the grouchy old lady yelling at a bag boy (who, by the way, was coatless) who had helped her get her groceries out to her car. Which was parked behind ours. Which had slid downhill into the bumper of our car.

The lady insisted that the bag boy call the cops, because we had obviously hit her car, and we were total degenerates who had been completely evil and awful and had caused all kinds of damage to her precious BMW.

Whatever. So while we were waiting for the cops, the lady stood there and refused to look at us. When a policeman did finally show up to the scene, he took one look at it and immediately told the woman her car had slid into ours and she needed to chill out.

Grouchy old lady started berating the cop, telling him that he was incompetent, that we were obvious criminals and should be arrested, blah blah blah... this went on for about five minutes before the cop told her to shut the hell up and get over it before he wrote her a ticket for hitting our car.

There was no damage done to either car.

At this point, Dawn had about enough of the lady being an ass, so Dawn just lays into her. Calling her every name in the book, telling the lady exactly what she thought of her, in NO uncertain terms, and generally just flaying this woman alive. Justin, Jonah and I were all standing there, open mouthed, watching Dawn take this woman down.

The woman finally gets in her car and drives off. The cop, my companions and myself were all standing there, discussing our mutual disbelief in the situation, when the lady drives back into the parking lot, drives past us flipping us the bird, and yells:


at which point we all just lost it laughing and could barely breathe...

Anyway, on Christmas day, Jonah, then eight, got a toy which the dog ran off with, and he turns around and yells at the dog "YOU RUINED MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS" and since then it's become a refrain for whomever has been in my home around Christmastime.

Of course, I have to tell that story to everyone.

Merry fucking Christmas, y'all.